10 years 8th October 2012 RIP Ben forever 23
It has been 10 years since Ben took his own life. I wonder if the system still fails boys who are survivors of sexual abuse. Statistics tell us that the amount of disclosure to the police is still relatively low for survivors of male sexual abuse and violence. Statistics also tell us that 12,000 men (aged 16 – 59) experience rape, attempted rape or sexual assault by penetration in England and Wales alone every year; that’s roughly 11 of the most serious sexual offences (of adults alone) every hour. This figure does not include the children who are subjected to sexual abuse as no one can provide the proof it would only be a guesstimate at its best. Rape Nationwide, rape is one of the most under-reported crimes. Although studies estimate one in 21 men will be a victim of attempted or completed forcible rape in their lifetimes, only 16-40% of rapes are reported to the police.
At least 25 child rapes a week were reported to our region’s police forces last year – but too few survivors will see justice, The Northern Echo found. Childhood rape is devastating lives across the North East and North Yorkshire, but a lack of specialist support leaves many traumatised youngsters feeling unable to support investigations, experts say. Just last year, forces in the region tackled 1,308 reports of child rape – and nearly half of those cases involved children who were under 13 when the offence was allegedly committed. (Shocking figures reveal 25 child rape reports every week in the North East – but few survivors see justice, no date)
Therapy and Counselling was taboo in 2005
In 2005, when Benjamin’s case was proceeding through the criminal justice system, he was not allowed any form of Therapy or Counselling to support him after the abuse he suffered. The prosecution for the Police said the other side could argue that he had been coached or false memories implanted to sway the Jury. At the time I thought this mad, it took two years for the case to reach court, so for two years we were left to handle a child who had suffered extreme sexual violence and abuse. We didn’t have any training or support to handle such a child. The only thing I could do was pretend we were a normal family addressing a furious young teenager. From my own memories, it was like stepping on a thousand eggshells around him, awaiting the explosive and I would say inappropriate behaviour to leash its ugly head upon me. My thoughts were always I failed as a mother I failed to protect my child I should have taken him away from my broken and abusive marriage when I had the chance and at least then it wouldn’t have happened? It’s like trying to catch the horse after it’s bolted the Law was just too late in making enforcements for, us but have things changed I don’t know? Child protection service officers told me over 200 men sexually abused my son and 7 were prosecuted I was told by a police officer it was due to lack of resources that meant that 193 paedophiles were still at large but he continued to say ” don’t worry they will come through the system eventually when they re-offend and are caught”. Years later, it’s still stuck in my throat that 193 men had to abuse another child for Ben to receive the proper justice he deserved? I still think what a brave boy I gave birth to he stayed here to at least get some justice before he decided to take his own life. Barnardo’s and the NSPCC in 2022 are now calling on the Government to ensure its new Victims Bill gives child victims guaranteed access to specialist support. It frightens me when I read charities are still calling on Government to help survivors of sexual abuse ten years after Ben’s avoidable death?
Have things changed?
We had two police officers assigned to Bens’s case from the child protection services a male and a female officer. I will be honest and say they were an amazing support to us all, and we did have the same two officers from start to finish. That is another problem victims and their families face is a lack of consistency. It can take up to two years or more for a case to reach the court system and in that time frame, officers move on, are on long-term sickness (I assume the subject and nature of the crime can be a toll on any officer?) although I know I was labelled as difficult because the grooming of my child took over two years from 2001 to 2003 the Sexual Offences Act 2003 did not come in to force until after his grooming process. I spent every waking hour collating evidence, then screaming at police officers at Weetwood Police station (which closed in 2020) to please help me. ” My child is being groomed by a 37yr old man who he says is his friend” At this point Ben did not disclose his abuse it was only when he went missing and found in Manchester after being lured, abducted. raped and sold at a McDonald’s restaurant for £500 to a national paedophile ring, then found we learned the true extent of his abuse.
My label stuck
I earned my badge of Honour as a problem parent in early 2003, to the point I had a female police officer call to see me to then explain that grooming was not illegal. Today I read Police employ specially trained officers and use special measures and trained intermediaries to support children and their families during investigations and throughout the criminal justice process. Police and charities suggest improved recording methods, increased confidence in reporting and heightened awareness of child abuse may have contributed to the stark rise. However, the NSPCC said the increase uncovered by the Echo is “highly concerning”, as is the charge rate for the offence. Of 1,071 cases closed in 2021-22, 117 resulted in a charge or summons to court – a charge rate of 11%. Speaking from personal experience, sometimes the child is scared to even speak to a police officer, let alone a parent my child was told if he told me I would be in danger and he believed them.
More than two-thirds of the investigations were dropped because of difficulties gathering evidence, with victims withdrawing support in more than 500 cases. Childhood rape is devastating lives across the North East and North Yorkshire, but a lack of specialist support leaves many traumatised youngsters feeling unable to support investigations, experts say. Just last year, forces in the region tackled 1,308 reports of child rape – and nearly half of those cases involved children who were under 13 when the offence was allegedly committed. I also know there were officers involved in our case that were judgemental and blamed our hectic lifestyle two hard-working parents trying to support our family. I forgive you; life is too short to throw eggs at someone who slurs your character and the choices you make in life, especially when your child is now dead. https://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/author/profile/297573.Joanna_Morris/ Investigations Editor.
I’m sorry for my ignorance
Coming from a middle-class background? I’m not sure I would call myself middle class, but we had our own house my husband worked, and I had my business. I was completely ignorant what type of child is groomed? sexually abused and especially boys. Many people used to say “wouldn’t you like a little girl”? Even before Ben was abused my answer was of complete selfishness and ignorance on my part (In the back of my mind I thought little girls get abused or raped so it’s a good thing I don’t have one) This methodology came from my personal experience of rape, which I never reported, I never spoke about and never processed. I was eighteen and still don’t speak and refuse to speak about what happened to me, but I know from personal experience it stays with you forever although the memories are, hazy, I still remember where, the circumstances and how I survived. My ignorance and arrogance thought children living on council estates are groomed and sexually abused. I apologise for this ignorance child protection services explained children from council estates are less likely to be groomed and abused as they look after each other, its children of families who work long hours and absent parents who are most likely a higher risk. Shame on me for having those thoughts! Anyone can be abused regardless of background, upbringing, race, sexual or religious beliefs. Vulnerable young boys who may be lonely or bullied at school a paedophile will search for a weakness or a reason for them to be groomed and then abused it’s not your fault don’t ever let anyone suggest it is.
What constitutes specialist help?
I can only speak about my experience after the fact. I asked the police if they could put me in touch with another mother who had experienced the trauma I had. As I expected, I realised the request was denied. Of course, who would want to admit their child was abused? Who would want to admit they failed as a mother? Me. Maybe I’m wired up wrong, but if I could help another mother, I’m talking about abuse involving a stranger, not a family member of course that’s another kettle of fish to explore. I once had a response from a clinical Psychologist whom I asked “have you had any training in processing a boy who has been sexually abused in childhood”? He answered “no I process mental health issues, and that’s what he had”? I wanted to scream from the rooftop and if you had the same fate, wouldn’t you? But decided to keep my composure and not attach my label as a problem mother to the system once again. This made my blood boil and want to scream at the Specialist who says because a boy in childhood has been sexually abused, he has a mental health problem. It’s the same as saying every soldier that served in Afghanistan has PTSD, I can only write this as a mother of another child who has served in Afghanistan and was fortunate to have come home after two tours, one being voluntary. I was once told by a friend the system is a well-oiled machine. That you cannot fight the system, you will fail, then become a constant thorn in its side and be left out in the cold forever I’ve never forgotten his words of wisdom.
Watch for Signs
No one knows the true figure of how many boys and young men have been abused over the years I just know more needs to be done to support them. I draw on my personal experiences for examples I had a great friend in another part of the country who has now sadly passed away. She was having problems with her son he was 18. He had become violent, punching walls and drinking excessively she asked me to help. This was several years after my sons’ abuse in which I had worn the T-shirt seen the movie and thought about writing a manual about child abuse. I offered to take him under my roof so drove 120 miles to pick him up along with his 42-inch Tv and Xbox for company. He had been staying with me for nearly two weeks, polite and courteous but always eating meals in his room after asking me if it was ok. I was fond of him, then one evening I asked him to spend sometime with me downstairs. I started the conversation not knowing where it was going about his behaviour at home? it was then he disclosed he had been raped by a gang of boys going home one night and couldn’t tell his mum or his siblings that were all boys the truth. He said they would judge him and ask why he didn’t fight or run he was too ashamed. My heart sunk I know my friend had helped me through my trauma with Ben and all I could think about was her as his mum uncovering the truth. I phoned her that night and we spoke at length I then asked her son to talk to her it was so sad. He decided not to disclose to the police he said he was too ashamed and that it was dark and they had balaclava type hats on and rode on bikes in the park in the dark at night, so why would he tell anyone else? All I can say is a few years later, after his mother had passed away, he decided to take his own life.
Before he died, he did reach out one night and ask for help I told him to come stay with me again, get on a train and escape that horrible city he lived in. But unfortunately, he never came I often think if I had driven the 120 miles to pick him up, would he still be alive? This is my truth, and it’s sad to think that male survivors of sexual abuse feel they have no other options than to seek solace in substance abuse or suicide. There are people out there that care and you do matter your life matters and your mental health and wellbeing matters. Please seek help if you, need it reach out there is always someone to catch you when you fall. God, it reminds me of that four tops hits reach out and I’ll be their sorry childhood memories slipping back in and showing my age 60 lol.
Once an offender, always an offender
- I shouldn’t air my views I KNOW and we all have a different view on the topic. It’s not a conversation I would have under normal circumstances and someone is bound to want to shoot me down in flames. But every single offender on our case it was their first conviction even when some were in their fifties. Was it that it took years to find the evidence or was it when they got to fifty, they decided to abuse children? The answer to that is I will never know I’m not a police officer and never have been. The police do a fantastic job with limited resources and the crown prosecution do their job it’s just the sentencing laws that still are a thorn in my side. The maximum sentence is fourteen years victim blaming “shame on you I say” The problem is the abused child has memories for the rest of their lives does the perpetrator have the same memories I would think not? Sentencing Laws need to be increased when they say 14yrs for a crime no one tells the public they only serve half that sentence. I suppose some would say I was fortunate in some respect, having spent years of self-humiliation visiting a crown court every year after the death of my son. The powers that be allowed me to read out my impact statement every year to keep the man who groomed and sold my child off the streets for fifteen years. Alas, he is free now I would say please do not let my story deter you from seeking criminal convictions who ever commits such a crime should be removed to protect the public from harm. This is a news report after one of my son’s abusers was released early News reports say A paedophile who began prostituting a boy of 15 just weeks after being released from a jail sentence for child abduction has been jailed for 10 more years. My question is, do we think if he had served a lengthy enough sentence for his crimes for my son, he may not have been released to do it again? (Macpherson, 2014)
Refencing
Shocking figures reveal 25 child rape reports every week in the North East – but few survivors see justice (no date) The Northern Echo. Available at: https://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/news/20578343.figures-reveal-25-child-rape-reports-every-week-north-east/ (Accessed: 10 October 2022).
Macpherson, J. (2014) Jailed again: Man, who sold boy, 15, for sex just weeks after being released for child abduction, Manchester Evening News. Available at: https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/raymond-hawthorne-jailed-man-who-7231258 (Accessed: 10 October 2022).